What’s Going On?

Lucy Beney,
Save Mental Health’s Correspondent on Child Mental Health

If there is one aspect of modern life on which we can all agree it is this:  far too many of our children and young people are not thriving – physically, mentally or emotionally – in the way that they should be.   As adults, we are evidently failing them.

Hundreds of thousand of words have been written about the myriad reasons why there is a ‘mental health crisis’.  Here, I hope to set out an overview of issues undermining the emotional wellbeing of young people today. This is based primarily on my observations working for five years as a school counsellor, in a large comprehensive secondary school in England.  It is not exhaustive, but it is a start which I hope can provide some signposts towards a better future.

Fantasy versus Reality
My primary concern is the growing inability for many young people to distinguish between fantasy and reality, and between things which happen online and ‘in real life’ (IRL).   It is common to hear children talk about ‘friends’ whom they have never met, and whose real identity is unknown.  They ‘play’ with others without ever leaving their bedroom.  They have ‘relationships’ with avatars, conducted only in a perplexing mix of text speak and emojis.  This results in a sense of being ‘untethered’ – not grounded in time and place – which leaves children highly vulnerable to manipulation and exploitation.  The ensuing insecurity then leads to anxiety.

Anxiety
Without anxiety, it is highly unlikely that our species would have survived and adapted in the way that we have.  Anxiety alerts us to possible threats and impels us to take action to keep ourselves safe.  However, when the threat is not physical danger, and it is ever-present, we find ourselves continually hyper-vigilant and stressed.  For young people, there are two principal sources of long-term, debilitating anxiety – the danger of being ostracised for a faux pas, saying or doing the ‘wrong’ thing; and the continual flow of doom-laden narratives into immature minds, focussing among other things on eco-catastrophe, the evils of empire, racial and religious discord or the need to pick a gender.  As lives are increasingly lived in an online echo chamber, distress – and the risk of the wrong choice – is exacerbated.

Social Media
The most powerful fuel for the raging fire of anxiety comes from social media.  Most adults are aware of the dangers of harmful content; what is not so widely understood is the incremental damage caused by young people absorbing thousands of scrolling images daily.  Comparisons are then made between their lives and the air-brushed perfection of a moment in the life of an ‘influencer’.  Alternatively, endless siren calls to action in the name of diversity, equity and inclusion and saving the planet can foster a sense of helpless dread on the one hand or nihilistic outrage on the other.  Instead of living their own lives and following their own dreams, children increasingly appear as lone figures standing anxiously on the outside of a well-lit window, while all the action is happening inside without them.  The vital ability to be present in the moment, to think, to use all their senses to appreciate the here and now without distraction or dissatisfaction, has largely been lost.

Isolation
The move to a largely phone-based existence is extraordinarily lonely.  The world is full of interesting people - but they are not there, with you as their sole concern and focus.  One of the assessment questions that I was routinely required to ask in school was, “Do you spend too much time alone?”  The answer, invariably was a sad little “yes”.  As human beings, we need the three-dimensional experience, of being physically present with someone - to grow and develop. From the earliest age we need real-life, real-time ‘serve and return’, a shorthand used by the Harvard Center on the Developing Child, to describe focussed, responsive exchanges with other people.

Self-diagnosis
Increased screen time and social media use on the one hand, combined with ubiquitous ‘mental health awareness’ on the other, has created a toxic cocktail of self-diagnoses.  As young people feel increasingly ‘different’ or inadequate, they search for an explanation.  There is no shortage of self-appointed experts ready to tell young people what is ‘wrong’ with them, and offering a ‘diagnosis’ with one or more of the ever-increasing number of mental health acronyms.  It is common for children to arrive in the therapy room and give the counsellor their ‘diagnosis’. Students can become competitive about prescriptions, about self-harm in all its forms and the number of diagnoses they have, in a way which is entirely unhealthy.  It represents the ultimate victory of victimhood and can only lead into a downward spiral. The underlying message which they want society to hear is that they no longer have to adhere to the ordinary rules of the game – they are exceptional in some way now, and they have a label which gives them an ‘out’.  The idea that difficulties may be overcome, and that resilience is both necessary and desirable for survival, has largely been lost.

Identity
One reason why a label is important is because we all need to know who we are, and to be able to feel comfortable in our own skin.  Historically, identity was forged through family, community and religious affiliation, and fine-tuned throughout life via experiences, environment, relationships, personality and preferences.  Now, rather than evolving organically over time - and in the absence of these age-old ties – a menu of ‘identities’ is laid in front of every child, many based on ethnicity, sexuality or the false construct of separate ‘gender identity’.  The pressure to choose and to make sure that you make the right choice is huge.  It is also entirely unnatural and done largely for performative purposes, to fit in with a particular ‘tribe’.  This is why whole friendship groups declare themselves ‘trans’ – and also why children are quickly dumped by their friendship group if they change their minds about how they identify.  The idea of individual human identity being a multi-faceted mosaic, encompassing many different aspects of life has largely been lost.  Equality means anything other than equality of personal value as a human being, with disastrous consequences for self-worth.

Sexualisation
It may be true that young people are having less sex than previous generations, and there is quite possibly a rational explanation for this.  Cheap, tacky sex is everywhere – in song lyrics, in films, on advertising hoardings and in the aisles of clothes shops.  Adults walk around in broad daylight, in public, in fetish gear.  This is not titillating – for many, it is intimidating. Teenagers endlessly compare themselves with what the culture serves up – much of this is extreme, unhealthy and frightening, and yet the requirement is to be carelessly ‘sex positive’.  Some girls struggle to achieve a blank, filtered doll-like face so they won’t be swiped over on the dating apps; others fear what boys might expect or want, retreat into hoodies and tracksuit bottoms, and find affirmation in being ‘non-binary’.  Some boys build an entirely unnatural physique or talk about ‘bitches’ and what they would like to do to them; other boys dare not speak to girls they don’t know, in case they are accused of harassment or ‘stalking’.  Dating apps expose the ultimate commodification of human beings – available to browse, to be chosen or rejected, just like the latest trainers or Netflix drama.  The inescapable message is that we are endlessly malleable, ultimately consumable and finally disposable.

Pornography
At the root of the warping of sex and sexuality lies pornography.  This is widely available across devices, to children even before they reach secondary school.  This is very different from the ‘lads’ mags’ their fathers may have drooled over thirty years ago.  All manner of extreme, niche and depraved acts – increasingly normalised as ‘lifestyle choices’ – are available to see on demand, on a device in their pocket.  Much of it is violent and abusive towards women and girls.  This has led to a situation in which we have some boys who can’t understand how any girl would ever consent to sex; and to girls who feel that if being a woman involves strangulation, anal penetration and physical abuse, they would rather opt out.  Sexual acts have become entirely divorced from affection and emotion – in fact, many young people are afraid of ‘catching feelings’, in case they get hurt or show vulnerability, although we know that love and meaningful connection are vital elements of human happiness.

Body Image
The effects of pornography – along with a wider infatuation with celebrity influencers – has had a very damaging effect on the way in which young people regard their bodies.  Not only has appearance – and looking a certain way – become a prerequisite for acceptance into a particular ‘tribe’, but it has become the most important aspect of many young people’s lives.  There are girls who will not leave the house because they can’t get their hair or make-up right; there are boys who would rather stay in their bedroom than go to school because they feel that their jaw isn’t square enough or their nose is too big.  This was exacerbated hugely by school closures and lockdown, when children spent much of the day staring at their own faces and comparing them with classmates, while online lessons were delivered remotely.  Rather than keeping up with the curriculum, some young people stepped back into the classroom having documented the proportions of all their friends’ features, and found themselves wanting.  In a world where so much appears to be spinning out of control, it is no surprise that disordered eating is the coping mechanism for so many, or others feel that cosmetic surgery will solve their problems.

Parents
The impact of all of the above hinges on the most important influence in any child’s life – their relationship with their parents.  The needs of children have not changed for millennia – and yet the desires and expectations of adults have changed out of all recognition.  It is almost as if, just as we adopted the word ‘parenting’, we forgot how to do it.   In the key developmental stages – up to the age of about three, and again in early adolescence – children need intimate connection with responsive, responsible and loving adults.  They need boundaries and ‘containment’, as they learn to navigate the complexities of the world.  We need to learn once more to be discerning and help our children to make judgements.  Loving authority provides security, and we need security in order to learn, to grow and to develop. However, far too many children have not established a meaningful relationship with their parents, or any other adult.  Some parents are weighed down by their own struggles; some have never matured themselves; while others are too busy being fabulous and ‘living their best lives’.  Whatever the reason, the result is the same – children are not getting what they desperately need.  It is only the meaningful involvement of parents, and strong family relationships, which can begin to turn the tide of misery and emotional poverty for our children.

There are many astonishing young people who have overcome significant hurdles to become sanguine, rounded human beings, who enjoy life and contribute to their communities.  Likewise, there are many mothers and fathers making significant sacrifices of time, energy and money to be the parents their children need.  However, the statistics speak for themselves.  Too many children and young people are currently falling through the cracks in our fractured society, and too many parents and professionals are unable or unwilling to address this. The task for us, as therapists, is to be the adults in the room, and navigate this terrain fearlessly, in keeping with best practice, not the tenets of social justice.  Our children’s sanity depends on it.

Over the next few months, I hope to address these areas more fully, in an individual article on each topic.

July 2024

Lucy Beney is an Integrative Counsellor working in private practice, and is also a facilitator for the Tuning into Teens parenting programme.  Until July 2023, Lucy was also a school counsellor in a large comprehensive secondary school.  Additionally, Lucy has worked on school readiness projects with pre-schoolers’ families and has trained staff working in education, healthcare and the prison sector in managing emotional regulation. Originally a political analyst, Lucy lives with her husband in south-west England and has two adult children.  Lucy is a member of Thoughtful Therapists.